There was a massive amount of courage that i had to gain before even being able to take a picture like this. I spent most of my life believing i was utterly disgusting. In middle school i starved myself for 5 months until a few amazing friends helped me. I dropped a lot of weight then and almost looked unhealthy for my build. I do have a larger build so being as skinny as i was…i looked sickly. That was between 6th and 7th grade. It was also around the time that i began cutting myself. Some of those marks on my stomach aren’t stretch marks unfortunately. I kept most the weight off until freshmen year when i began to have a lot of chest problems. It became very hard for me to work out efficiently without it affecting my breathing..this was while i was in shape. Since then…i gained weight again. I have been trying extremely hard to lose it again. I have tried diet plans, diet pills, working out, eating right. I have done all i could do right now and not a pound comes off unless i stop eating. Thing is…i don’t WANT to stop eating. I don’t want my boyfriend constantly worried about me and my family yelling at me and my friends trying to shove food down my throat. However, I don’t feel pretty..i don’t feel attractive. I always tell myself “I have a pretty face…anything below the chest went to hell” and that’s something i truly feel from time to time.
Recently i have been extremely depressed about my weight because i was basically shut down by my sister when i complained about the way i look. She just said “Well work out.” when i said that i was..her response was “Obviously not because youre still fat..” My sister has ALWAYS been a twig, same with my brother. Any time i complain about my weight they act as if it should be so easy for me to lose it…it’s the hardest thing i have ever had to do and i struggle with it every day. I have had so many people not believe i’m trying purely because i am still overweight. Times like that make me want to give up on trying and i have gotten close to simply giving up. However there is one thing that keeps me going and it’s my boyfriend. Even though he thinks i’m beautiful the way i am..he is always so supportive of my situation.
Believe it or not…i have gained so much self-esteem through my boyfriend, Alex, who has never once called me anything but beautiful. My self-confidence was much much worse a long time ago. While i still don’t feel pretty when i look in the mirror…and i still give a look of disgust when i see the size of my shirts (large)…and shopping sometimes makes me cry…i do want to thank him. Because all those times when i feel like that..he gets on camera..looks at me and tells me how beautiful i am to him.
So yeah…this is me in all my chubby glory…